Monday, June 23, 2008

atlanta... it's hot

Jon and I got to Atlanta yesterday afternoon... we're staying just outside the perimeter which is fine... I plan on staying inside the hotel for our three days off. We 'splurged' and got rooms at a long-term suite-type hotel, so we could cook for ourselves and live on the cheap for our three days off. This tour is killing me. Seriously. Between the long drives, having to learn a new way of accounting (i.e. THE WORKBOOK per show as opposed to my workbook with sheets/show) on the fly and just dealing, I'm so done right now. It usually takes me about a month before I have a break-down on the road and have a cathartic cry, but with these swag tours -- particularly the last two, it's a matter of days before I have my first cry. I've been fighting back the tears for days now, but this might be my day to have a good one.

I told myself what, two or three years ago that I'd never do a tour which involved me driving -- that I'd only do bus tours, but I was so desperate for work that I took this one. I was supposed to be the assistant originally, which meant that I could learn how to use the workbook, but wouldn't be responsible for the money, and even though I knew it was a self-drive tour I was willing to do it to learn how to get on this company's system... then the person I was assisting fell off the tour and I was bumped up. I'm not an idiot. I thought I understood how the workbook worked, but there are subtle nuances to it that I didn't even know I needed to ask about, so I'm struggling with it. Jon is supposed to sit down with me today and sort it all out, but I'm so tired. I don't know that I'll absorb much. And I hate feeling like a fuck-up. I really, really do. I'm not dumb, I'm completely capable and right now I feel like an idiot.

What further deflates my mood is that I don't have any other work lined up for the rest of the year... temping is an option if I can find a temp job, but my outlook is bleak. I doubt this merch company is going to put me on any other tours since I'm not getting feedback (not positive anyhow, just negative filtered through two or three other people). I'm trying to set positive intentions (hello, yoga) but I feel like I'm in a hole that I just can't or don't want to pull myself out of. Le sigh. Maybe once I'm home and able to get some regular exercise and healthy food, my mood will improve. One can hope.

Today's words: Lack of sleep breeds depressed state

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