Wednesday, November 19, 2008

here's what's happening

So I'm being a completely lazy bastard today. It's heavenly... yes, the sun is shining outside and it looks gorgeous, but this is the absolute last day of sloth I have until I get home on December 5th. I changed my return ticket... am following up on a weird charge to my credit card... and now I'm doing nothing. I have to check out of my room at noon tomorrow and don't meet the bus until 10pm, so I figure this is a good day to stay in. Tomorrow I have big plans for the Wembley IKEA and the Neasden Hindu Temple... and possibly a new long coat from the mall at Westfield. That's three big trips, well, sort of, so I'm going to sit here and type up an update now.

My birthday was so nice. I really miss Cec... and Val... and I got to spend a few lovely hours with them over a very casual dinner. I got tipsy off of two... maybe three... large glasses of wine and we laughed and laughed and talked about boys and clothes and work and it was just normal. I didn't have to worry about saying something that might offend someone or being anyone but me. Cec's trip over was way too short and I feel guilty for dragging her down to my lazy level, but she didn't complain. We never did climb to the top of St. Paul's (which I've done too many times already) and we did go to see the Gherkin together -- something I've been wanting to do for a few years. She didn't see the galleries at the Tate Modern, but it's somewhere she'll return to eventually. We had a nice stroll along the Thames taking photos and soaking up the sun (I even worked up a sweat!) and it was just nice.

The tour I've been on is exhausting. I don't know what happened to 2008. It's been a bear of a year -- not just for the stock market. I've had three less-than-fabulous tours (the first one was just awful all around, the next was just bad because of the work but the people were amazing, and this last one? I can't get my head around it yet. Everyone is fabulous bar one and she's who we're all working for). I was in a similar position last year at this time; I was on a tour I didn't like with nice people doing work I didn't care for and I put the intention into the universe that this year should be better. I think I'll keep my intentions to myself and see how '09 unfolds.

I started dreading going back to work the day we got back to London. I knew that my unpaid "days off" wouldn't be "off," just unpaid... and I spent a good two days stressed out about absolutely nothing. I feel horribly for Cec because I know it spilled over into her visit even though I promised a mere 30 minutes of complaining. We're completely different people, but she's good people and she forgives my shortcomings.

When I meet everyone at King's Cross tomorrow night, the 20th November, it's exactly two weeks until the end of this tour; 10 more shows. I've never been this anxious/excited to get home from Europe before -- this, when the Pound is so weak even. I just want to be HOME. Home even if there are few friends there... or they're too busy with family commitments or whatever. When I think of that, it makes me wonder if I'm depressed... maybe a bit -- the holidays tend to bring that forth, but nah, this tour is depressing. I look older when I'm at work than I do on a day off -- it's from furrowing my brow all day, waiting for the scolding I know will be coming eventually. I tell myself that the woman we're working for is miserable -- that's why she makes us all miserable, and that I should pity her, but honestly, she's just a nightmare and not worth my pity. I'm under no false pretense that we have to be friends and I have no desire to be her friend... it's just exhausting trying to mitigate the freak-outs and verbal assaults. I expend so much energy trying to keep up with her demands -- but in succeeding, she reaches a comfort level where she can ask for even more ridiculous stuff. I just can't win and so I count down the days... but today? I'm not counting. I'm not doing anything at all.

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