Monday, January 26, 2009

good grief

I'm up watching PBS, not the late newscast and there's a new show called, "Good Grief" on. It's funny that that's really what I've been going through the last month or so... I've been grieving the loss of a relationship; or what I had hoped it would become. This last weekend I got a definitive answer from Frank. He definitely doesn't want to be with me... he says he doesn't want to be with anyone. I didn't get an apology from him for leading me on, but he did acknowledge it.

I have to, in turn, take responsibility for not standing up for myself sooner -- for not putting an end to the ridiculousness that our relationship had become. I don't know. Before I got the email (and it wasn't kind... it was rambling and accusatory and angry) I still held hope, albeit miniscule, even knowing that it was a hopeless situation. Every once in a while I wake up and I'm amazed that I'm 36... not 26. I'm still single... my professional life is in decline and I probably need to find a new career path (ohmygod, at 36!) but the "single" thing is what has been the toughest thing to deal with. It might be because I'm female, I don't know... but it almost seems as though I've missed the boat. When you're 20 and you meet someone, you don't think about the consequences so much. I think that's why it's so hard to couple-up when you're over 30. I suppose that's why I was willing to compromise so much to be with this douchebag. Despite it all, I really felt so relieved after Saturday morning's email. I cried a little bit, but it wasn't the gut-wrenching, can't get up kind of cry I'd been doing for the last month. I really think I'm moving into a place of "good grief" and it feels OK.

I had to change the channel... that PBS show looked like someone's college project. I'm on to Family Guy now and laughs.

I'm really pleased that the Year of the Rat is over. I don't put much stock in horoscopes and such, but last year was pretty tumultuous. My Chinese horoscope predicted as much -- was it self-fulfilling prophesy or not? I don't know, but I'm a Rat in the Year of the Ox and it's supposed to be getting better now. Phew!

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