Wednesday, February 11, 2009

on letting go

Another post republished from my shared heartbreak blog:

A woman on Ravelry said that she’s been secretly reading my personal blog and it prompted me to go back and have a look through the old posts. She said she thought I was a “strong woman” and she admired me? What was this all about, I wondered… and so went through the archives. As I was reading, I went back to the post from mid-December when I went to visit Frank in Salt Lake City — it was poignant that we met there because it was where we were first physically intimate (well, up the road in the Ogden, but it was the same State) and it was where we were last together. The whole time I was with him on this trip, I felt unsettled and nervous. I did. I was even afraid that when I got to DEN (we were meeting here and flying on together) that he wouldn’t be there… I knew it was over, but didn’t want to face it. So, the whole time we were together (only 3 1/2 days) he talked to his ex-wife every damn day. Vanessa even said “hi” to me. WTF??? The last straw was when we did a walkabout and ended up at the local shopping center… when we got to Urban Outfitters, he took off towards the back of the store — not too odd considering that’s where the men’s section was, but still. When I found him he was on the phone with HER again. I was furious. I called a friend to vent less I create a scene in Urban Outfitters. How Gen Y that would’ve been of me, when I’m Gen X.

Anyhow, that night I confronted him. We had a talk in the hotel bar and he admitted that he didn’t want to be in a “relationship” with me after I told him that I had to refer to him as my “not-boyfriend” on my tour. Urgh. It hurt. He tempered it by saying that he loved me, which was really confusing, but the main message was that he didn’t want to be with me. If that was the case why was I with him, in a hotel, in another state after returning from a grueling tour with the flu when I could’ve been recuperating at home or still been in England and meeting my best friend for the holidays?

What’s more perplexing is why I didn’t just take it at face value, go home and start mourning? I waited until the end of January — we’d had two more heavy discussions in the meantime where he reiterated his desire to NOT be with me — all the while still professing his “love.” I’m not this stupid. I’m not, I swear it!

We went to see “He’s Just Not That Into You” on Sunday (me and my Knitty Gangstas) and the Gigi character was so incredibly annoying, but I AM Gigi. I am that dumb girl who can’t take “no” for an answer. Urgh. I’m so ashamed of myself right now. I’ll get over it. We’re going out for drinks tonight — there won’t be any cute guys where we’re going, but hell, the city jail is just next door, if I get really desperate, I can hit up the bail bondsman and just buy a date for Valentines.


Anonymous said...

You are a strong woman, just remember that. We have all had our moments where we couldn't take no for an answer, this does not make you weak, only human.

Your ravelry stalker.

Anonymous said...

Not only are you a strong woman, but an excellent writer. Your honesty in regards to your own feelings makes your blog both beautiful and touching.

Your other ravelry stalker. :)