Sunday, May 3, 2009

on fear of success?

I have an interview on Tuesday with the Pop Star. I'm absolutely terrified. I don't know what frightens me most: getting the job and doing well; getting the job and having to move; getting the job and moving to LA and not having any real friends there; not getting the job.

I truly dislike Los Angeles. It's a place that effects/affects me negatively every time I go there. The smog I can handle. The earthquakes? I doubt "the big one" will hit anytime soon. I just feel like the people there are vacuous and shallow... that it's the kind of place that turns people into assholes. When you meet people for dinner, they're always looking over your shoulder to see if there's someone they should be networking with at the next table. It's true. I've seen it happen. LA is also a city where people are consumed with how they look -- I fall prey to the self-esteem trials every time I'm there. I never feel like I'm trendy enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough. Even though I know these external forces aren't "real" I can't help myself when I'm there, so yeah, I'm concerned that moving there is going to have a huge effect on my happiness. Combine self-esteem deflators with lack of friends and this could be a recipe for disaster.

On the other hand I need change in my life. I feel so honored that a friend would recommend me for the job I'm interviewing for, and I really don't want to let her down by not taking it if it's offered to me. I've been sitting here bargaining with myself for days now -- trying to come to the "ideal situation," or at least the best possible compromise. This is where I stand now: I can move to LA temporarily. If this artist goes on the road this summer, that's perfect. I can sublet for a couple of months and will only need to move out two suitcases and my cat. I'll have to deal with getting the cat back to Denver when we go on the road, but it shouldn't be too hard... a plane trip at worst. I can also say "no" if my gut tells me to. I'm praying that the pop star doesn't like me or can't wait until June 1st for me to start working, but that her management company do like me... that they'll give me work which won't require relocating to LA.


I'm really feeling sick about this whole thing, but I should have some resolution after Tuesday. It's just crazy that I've got this potentially great opportunity in front of me and I'm terrified.


Susanna a.k.a. Cheap Like Me said...

Ooh, I didn't know! Good luck, and the right decision will come to you. We don't want you to move away, but maybe your path lies elsewhere.

Angifreak said...

Thanks, Susanna... I got here and just driving around made me like this place even less. What's up with traffic at 2pm? ARGH! Although, I must admit, people have been incredibly nice... which is kinda bumming me out. I want people to be difficult and surly so that I feel good about the decision I make.

Polly said...

Change can be terrifying, though I find it's the limbo stage in between that drives me mad (have I got the job? do I want the job? will I have to move cities? how will it affect my life? maybe it's not so bad where I currently live after all (after hating the lack of opportunities for years)). I'm sure you'll feel better once you know which way it's going to go. Who's the Pop Star? And is it a non-touring job? A PA? Maybe you should just submit to the process and let what will be will be. Good luck. x x x

Polly said...

ah, have just noticed the date. So the interview and result have already occurred? What happened? Or should I check on Facebook? x x x